The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other
dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print
in
the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
yourfood and dish, nor do
I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
aboutthis.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out
to
the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight
outand
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
underthe
edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same
doorI
entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
Icannot
stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
front door:
All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
isshort,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Usually come when called
5. Never drive your car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
Where Did Pets Come From?
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in
the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you
anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember
how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for
you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.
Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be,
this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I
do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was
a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his
tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals
in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think
of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to
be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of
my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and
wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to
the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He
struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of
adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one
has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion
who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The
companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that
he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not
the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Unknown
Rules for Dogs
VISITORS:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the
room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human
falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl
gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because
you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- alot. Your
owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house.
Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their
beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always
take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking
your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your
human a towel.
HOLES: Rather
than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your
human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't
notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each
hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes
in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.
DOORS: The area
directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to
sleep.
THE ART OF
SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as
the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING
ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when
there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the
house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress,
never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is
perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans
have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you
lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed
to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS:
When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It
spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a
contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
Dogs Letters to God
Dear God, How come people love
to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?
Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we
sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God, Excuse me, but why are the
their cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the
stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see
a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!!! I know every breed
cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle
the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God, If a dog barks his head off
in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven,
dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God, If we come back as humans, is
that good or bad?
Dear God, More meatballs, less
spaghetti, please.
Dear God, When we get to the Pearly
Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God, We dogs can understand human
verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent
IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans
understand?
Dear God, Are there dogs on other
planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a
long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!
Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven?
If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God, Can you undo what that doctor
did ... ?
Subject: NEW DOG BREEDS
Collie + Lhasa
Apso
Collapso, a dog
that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow
Chow
Spitz-Chow, a
dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a
traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees +
Dachshund
Pyradachs, a
puzzling breed
Pekingnese +
Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an
abstract dog
Irish Water
Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer,
a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador
Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat
Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland +
Basset Hound
Newfound Asset
Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier +
Bulldog
Terribull, a dog
that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound +
Labrador
Blabador, a dog
that barks incessantly
Malamute +
Pointer
Moot Point,
owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
